If in a moment of transcendent musical ecstasy, somebody smiles at you, smile back. Clubbing is communal. Embrace that. If that same person then offers you a swig of their water and/or a sniff of their poppers, don't look at them as if they're handing you a fresh, steaming turd.
If you need to validate your evening's experience not by dancing but by constantly updating your Facebook page or uploading footage to YouTube, then get yourself off the dancefloor.
Your behaviour should not aggressively invade anyone's space.
Do you or your mates find it funny or unnerving that "it's full of right weirdos in here"? Then stop laughing and get your coat. The freaks own the night, and you're just a guest.
If you're 18, it might seem extraordinary that somebody over 40 would still be out clubbing. But they are. Sometimes for perfectly legitimate reasons. So stop asking stupid questions.
Don't harass the DJ. This isn't a 21st birthday. They don't take requests. There's a reason they are being paid to play music and you are paying to see them. You don't like their choice of tunes? Tough. Bad clubbing experiences are as formative as great ones.
Girls. Young girls. You're in a good club; stop acting so petrified. You don't need to trail around holding hands and sneering at anybody who crosses your path. Men are not the enemy. Nor are other women.
There is a way of working your way through a packed crowd: slowly, saying "excuse me", a gentle hand in the small of someone's back to indicate you're coming through.
In clubs, do you impose yourself on groups of girls on the dancefloor, joining in other people's mock "sexy dancing", getting a bit too close to the more enthusiastic female dancers? Then you're not a clubber. You're a sex pest.
Be nice to flyerers. There is nothing more dispiriting than standing outside a club at 4am being ignored, abused or handing people flyers that are thrown on the ground three feet later.
